Memories, Not Regrets

I've made my choice. I learned many years ago that if you don’t like what you have you change it. I’ve struggled with that over these last few weeks because I do not like what I have but can only modify it, cannot truly change it. So I will make the choice to make a real change.

The choices we make in our lives define us. How we react to the vicissitudes of life, the ups and downs, how we choose to deal with them or if we choose to do nothing and passively accept them defines us and demonstrates the content of our character. I’ve always felt that inaction in the face of an unacceptable situation is in itself unacceptable. Well this is an unacceptable situation to me, and so I will take that action that I see best fits my core values and beliefs, within the limited set of options this situation allows. I firmly believe in the unity of mind, body and spirit, the need for all 3 to be equally strong. That is not the case, while my mind is still intact and strong my body is permanently broken and my spirit unable to recover, clinging to my broken body like a faithful dog to his dead master, unable to move on.

While I have learned a great deal in the last 6 months about being open and receptive to help, and have been overwhelmed at the level of help offered, I cannot accept this as a permanent situation, and the constraints of this situation dictate that I will be far more dependent on others for the rest of my life. As well my inability to do those things I hold most dear is also an unacceptable situation.

I’ve been very lucky to have lived several lives within my life. Transformation and re-invention have been constant themes in my life, even when I didn’t want them to be, and many of my role models have lived their lives in a similar fashion. One of the frustrations with this situation is my inability to complete the transformation from my former independent, able-bodied self to a much more dependent disabled self. But I’m 47 years old, have been very lucky to have experienced things beyond my imagining, met and been friends with some very extraordinary people, loved and been loved, and all in all, it’s been a good life. I have many memories but no regrets.

Many of the issues I’ve already put forth in the last blog entry, on top of those the new issue of a pressure sore pushed me over the top. I cannot imagine living a working life when at any time you may be derailed for weeks by a pressure sore, bladder infection or something else that we were told are a fact of life for the wheel chair bound. This is no way to live a life. I do not know or understand how others choose to continue this way, but for me the choice is clear. In many ways life means so much to me that I will not settle for anything less. I will not accept so constrained a life as a substitute for what I had before.

I am truly sorry for the grief this situation has caused to my friends and family over the last few months, and the grief this last act will cause, but over time that will fade, hearts will heal, and I will hopefully be a fond memory to my friends and family, but no longer a burden in any way, to your or myself.

I am truly grateful for the effort that everyone has put forth on my behalf; know that there is nothing more anyone could have done. There is nothing anyone could have done to keep me from this path; those of you who know me best know that once I make up my mind to do something that’s it.

It has been said that “what we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal”. Hopefully through my actions I will live on in your memories and hearts.

So I will make my last choice, not out of desperation or in response to a temporary situation, or in a belief that life is not worth living, but because I will not accept so constrained a life as a substitute for what I had before. This is not a decision I am taking lightly, not knowing what lays beyond is disconcerting and worrisome, but not so much as the very real fear of living out my days in this condition, in this pain. I died on April 26, 2009, and now I will finish what has taken too long to come to a conclusion.

Eric Arnold

“…for life’s not a paragraph

and death i think is no parenthesis”

e. e. cummings

Come celebrate Eric's life with us...

Please join Eric's Family & Friends in celebrating his life.

Date: Oct 24, 2009

Time: 2:35 PM

Location: CenterBeam Headquarters
30 Rio Robles, San Jose, CA 95134

VIEW INVITE for more details.

To Be or Not to Be...

To be, or not to be: that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

And by opposing end them?

To die: to sleep;

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;

To sleep: perchance to dream:

ay, there's the rub;

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

Must give us pause: there's the respect

That makes calamity of so long life;

Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 1

I’ll ask you to read this blog entry carefully because at first glance it may seem more disturbing than it really is, but if I am able to convey the ideas and meaning to you the reader that I so very much wish to then it may make the next few weeks easier for us all, relaxing your hearts and minds a bit and hopefully close a gap that has been created between some of you and I, due to circumstances beyond any of our control. Why I opened with those famous words from Hamlet will hopefully become clear as well.

I’ve done my first full week at home, almost all of it by myself. I’ve had plenty of good company during this time, and no small amount of help from some special people. But the majority of the time has been spent alone, as it should be, as is needed for me to become fully acquainted with this new life I have been forced to adapt to.I’ll start with the obvious. I do not like this new life one bit. I hate it. There is nothing positive about this new life in comparison to the life I had before. Parts of this were apparent while I was stuck in bed at Care Meridian, as you’ve read even more aspects unfolded while in rehab, and now that I am at home living this way day-in and day-out I am constantly reminded of what I cannot do, of how helpless I am when faced with even simple tasks, reminded of things that I have lost and will probably never regain, and of new activities that I must engage in that I find onerous and unacceptable. I have not only lost the use of my legs but also any control over my bowel and bladder and so am a slave to a bathroom schedule that dictates my every move and requires me to use new ways of going to the bathroom that I won’t go into but that no one would ever want to do. I need to sleep on ‘incontinence pads’ so that when (not if, when) I leak out urine during the night it doesn’t stain the mattress.

I have no sexual function whatsoever, no ability to have an erection, nor to have an orgasm, or to feel anything below the waist that could even remotely qualify as sexual pleasure. This point was driven home to me while sitting on my balcony and watching several attractive women who also live in this apartment complex walk by. My 'radar' kicked in, but then immediately I realized the limitations I am now under. I didn’t think it would matter as much as it does, but I’ll have to admit, it does. It’s always good to give others pleasure, but to know you can never ever feel anything yourself is a bit much to fathom.

I can no longer walk, run, hike, ride a bicycle, ride a motorcycle, dance, or do anything that requires the use of my legs. I can only carry what I can pick up and put in my lap. I can’t pick up very much, not due to lack of strength as much as lack of leverage, anything over roughly 15 lbs and I fall out of the chair. I have suddenly gone from being 6 feet tall to just a shade over 3 ½ feet tall, and the number of things that are now out of my reach is amazing, not just things that are high up but things like the deeper shelves where you put your pots and pans. I can’t even roll over in bed without grabbing onto something to help me turn over.

I need to lift myself out of the chair every 30 minutes or so and hold myself up for at least 30 seconds to allow the blood to rush back into my butt cheeks, otherwise the muscle tissue will be starved for blood and oxygen and start to die, thus creating a pressure sore that at best will land me back in bed for several months to heal, at worst can go septic and cause a major infection, necrosis and even death. That’s how Christopher Reeves died, from an infection that started as a pressure sore. My nerve pain is constant and at certain times of the day it is very strong, to the point where I cannot talk when a wave of pain passes through. So far the medicine they have given me is only partially effective, and I am told that’s how nerve pain is, very hard to treat effectively. It also may never fully go away, only time will tell.

I have become dependent on others for the most basic of things, many of which no matter how long I am in the chair, no matter how skilled or crafty I become in solving the many puzzles that now confront me, regardless of if I get a car etc, I will still be dependent on others for help with things that I would have never needed help with before. If you know me at all you can imagine how much that grates on me.

There are more issues but hopefully you get the point, and sorry if it seems like a lot of whining and I most certainly am not trying to evoke pity or sympathy. But I need to make sure you understand even a fraction of what life is like when living with a spinal cord injury like mine.

Barring a major miracle this is how I will live the rest of my life. That is the issue at hand.

Most of this week has been spent in anger, frustration, and in grief, mourning the loss of my old life. They told us in rehab it would be like this for a long time, years for most of us. They told us the suicide rate for complete paraplegics like me is 5 times the national average for the first 4-5 years of being in a chair. After that it drops down into line with the rest of the population, meaning that it takes at least 4-5 years for most paraplegics to fully adjust and adapt. They spent a lot of time talking to us about suicide in rehab, both in groups and one-on-one. I can see why.

To be or not to be, that has been the question on my mind as well for this last week. But let’s be clear, this isn’t about being actively suicidal or having decided to commit suicide. It’s a bigger internal debate that is captured well in the soliloquy quoted above. Have you ever really read it? Go ahead, I’ll wait, it’s worth a complete read.They told us that suicide was a ‘permanent solution to a temporary problem’, and in most case I agree. I can’t imagine people killing themselves over the loss of a job; their girlfriend breaks up with them, etc. Those truly are temporary problems. This however is different. They also told me in rehab that every spinal cord injury is different, and that where mine is, and how it happened, the chances of any recovery are almost nil. So as I said above, barring a major miracle, this is in fact a permanent problem.

Do I want to accept this constrained life, this life that will never be as I want it to be, that despite my best efforts, no matter how much strength, determination, or willpower I throw at it, will forever fall short of the life I want and in fact had prior to my accident? Or do I choose to not accept it and finish what was started that day and interrupted by the EMT’s and doctors in the trauma center?

It is not in my nature to give up. My favorite movie is “Cool Hand Luke”, if you’ve seen it you know what I mean. If not go see it. It goes against every fiber of my being to even consider giving in to something and folding unless I have exhausted every possibility to remedy it. I’ve struggled and fought my way out of many situations in my life, and the one thing that kept me going was the idea, the promise that if I kept working on it, kept fighting it would be better and the situation would be resolved, the outcome acceptable. In this case however, no matter how much I try, no matter how easier it gets to perform those tasks that are hard now due to my getting stronger or getting smarter about how to do something, I’ll still be stuck in a chair, still without bowel and bladder control, still never able to experience sexual pleasure, and still dependent on others to a degree that is unacceptable to me.It may get easier to live like this, but barring a major miracle it will never get better. It will never be like it was; it will never even come close.

There are some who choose to accept the constrained life. In rehab I spoke with several folks who decided that being alive at any cost was good enough for them, that they were willing to accept the lowered standard of life. They told me the key was that they lowered their expectations of life, became willing to accept all those negatives I described above, because they for various reasons decided it was worth it. One guy was Catholic and just said suicide wasn’t an option because it was a sin. Two others I spoke with mentioned their kids as the reason they stuck around. They seem to be in the minority, apparently many paraplegics either do kill themselves or just stay at home and vegetate, living off of disability, many getting drunk or stoned, watching T.V. and depending on others for help.

The internal cognitive dissonance I have been experiencing between the will to fight and the desire to give up is a first for me, an unbelievable struggle in and of itself and very hard to communicate to you; when I start to describe it inevitably many jump to the conclusion that I must be actively suicidal and it makes it very hard to have a conversation when you ask “how’s it going, how are you feeling?” and then I really tell you. When you try to tell me “it will get better” you’re missing a critical point, better relative to what? Better relative to today? Yes, maybe. Relative to 6 months ago, before my accident? No way. Relative to what I hold currently as a standard of living, a quality of life worth putting in the effort? Life is hard even when you are able-bodied, free of any major disease or injury, and if you are at all a mature adult you learned early on that life was mostly work and a little fun, but on the whole worth the effort. In my case the scales have been tipped very far in the negative direction and I’m having a hard time finding the good to balance it out, to make it worth the effort.

Added to the struggle is the knowledge that so many of you are out there pulling for me to ‘keep at it’, telling me I’m some kind of inspiration, supporting me with your efforts and donations, how to quit on that? The outpouring of support has been overwhleming and greatly appreciated. It makes things even harder; it serves both as a positive and at the same time as a weight, and when I think of giving up I feel ashamed that I would be letting so many of you down.

I also know how hard this is on many of you, you too are mourning the loss of me and my function, and are worred about losing me as well. I share this not to scare you but to offer up what I so far have not been able to articulate clearly to some of you what is going on with me and why I act the way I do right now.

So that’s what is going on right now, I am battling with myself daily, and am pretty much a complete mess. In the meantime I do what is in front of me, as I learned long ago. I try to find better ways to get dressed, to wash the dishes, etc. I checked my mailbox for the first time since I lived here. Good thing I did, there are bills that need to be paid. I will pay them. I am looking for a car. I am still walking the line, moving forward, because I don’t know any other way.

I am not myself, nor will I be my old self for quite a while. You may see glimpses of my old self; I hope so, as I miss him as much as you do. I am doing the footwork as best I can, while I mourn the loss of my old life and I struggle with the larger question of ‘to be or not to be’. I am not actively suicidal nor do I want to die, but I don't want this life I have now either, and that is vexing me beyond words...

Elvis has Left the Building…

Heading out of the hospital for home, I saved that shirt for the last day...

Or at least I have. I am now officially a free man, home to fend for myself. I left the SCI rehab hospital Wed afternoon with Eddy and Cheryl, made it into Eddy’s beater Toyota truck without falling on my ass and rode off into the sunset. It felt really good to leave the hospital, but also very scary not knowing what was coming up next. I was heading to an apartment that had been just setup that previous weekend to make a new life for myself and I gotta say it’s daunting at first.

We got to the place and I was happy to see that putting Stacy in charge of the move was the correct thing to do, the apartment was setup almost perfectly. Eddy, Cheryl and I made a few tweaks but a big thanks to the entire move-in crew for doing a great job.

After Eddy and Cheryl left Ethan and Stacy came by and stayed the night to babysit me, I was glad for the company not quite knowing what to expect and how well I’d be able to handle everything. I’d practiced the various things I needed to do in the hospital but the setup of everything at home was different and the last thing I needed to do was land on the floor in the bathroom. Luckily it all went fine and I’m getting acclimated. I need a lot more practice with my transfers, but I made it to and from the shower and the bed without issues. It was really nice to sleep in my own bed for a change, without the noise and constant interruption of the hospital. I can’t figure out how anyone gets better sleeping in a hospital…

There are a few things we need to change in the apartment, the biggest are the carpet, it’s like trying to push through mud. Not quite sure yet what we will do with that one. The other is the front door; it has spring-loaded hinges that slam the door shut which makes getting into the place a pain. I wind up using my feet as a battering ram, which while innovative and painless (due to the lack of feeling) is probably not the best thing to do, so we’re gonna try to replace the hinges. Good thing there’s a Lowes across the street.

So today was my first full day at home, made it though ok. Stacy and I continued to unpack and sort out the apartment, trying to find ways to place things so I can get to them. Not only are upper cabinets useless in the kitchen, but the deeper lower cabinets where pots and pans go can be a problem as well. But we’ve been figuring it out slowly.

I don’t have a lot of deep philosophical insights today or major things to talk about, it’s just time to try and figure out how to live my life in a chair all day. It’s amazing how much you take for granted when you can walk around, but in a chair the whole world can seem like it was setup just to mess with you on purpose. But enough whining about that, need to push on. I’m sure I’ll have more updates next week as I settle in.

Half the Trouble is in the Trying…

I think this is pretty self-explanatory...

So another week of rehab almost gone by, release date is coming up fast. They say I’m making progress but of course it doesn’t always seem like it. But I feel a bit stronger, my transfers to and from the chair to the bed, toilet, etc. are getting better, graduated off the slide board very quickly and 9 times out of 10 I can clear the transfer first time. But that tenth time when I get it wrong can get real ugly…

They did a ‘procedure’ Wednesday to take out an intravenous blood clot filter that was stuck into one of my bigger veins in my leg 5 months ago during my trauma surgery. Apparently you’re supposed to take them out with 4-6 weeks of install, guess that one slipped through the cracks. They put me into a radiology operating room and had to use x-rays and ultrasounds and stuff to find the thing, then used a whole bunch of wires and stuff to go try and get it. They did all this though a whole in my neck. Medicine is really weird. Today my neck feels like I got hit by a baseball bat so they must have been wrenching on it pretty good.

I could do with a few years of no more procedures… ;-)

We went on our big Saturday ‘outing’ today, I got to pick where we went so I chose Valley Fair Mall, the biggest most crowded mall in the area. I figured let’s jump into the deep end, if I can manage a big crowded place like that, can manage a lot of other places. Went into a few stores to pretend to shop, some were more accessible than others, the Apple store was a real mess, but that’s a mess even on foot. Some of the others were very hesitant in the stores and moving through the crowd but I just figured “the hell with it, I deserve to be here just like the rest of the normal folks” so I just acted like I was on foot. A few people stared at me in the chair but not very many, I either smiled at them or gave them the angry white guy look, both were effective. Luckily I don’t do malls very much anyway, but if I did I’d probably grab a friend to go with mostly to help get stuff that’s too high to reach. Definitely won’t be able to try on pants to see if they fit, that’s a 20 minute exercise in frustration in a chair, all the while hoping you don’t strain too much and pee/poop. That would be an interesting litte episode in the dressing rooms at Nordstroms.

Tuesday we did a dinner night where a few of us cooked a full meal in the kitchen they have here for us to try and use and get familiar with doing household tasks. That was ok, but the more normal they tried to make us feel the more abnormal we really felt. I guess that’s part of the adjustment process. But I still made a really bitchen angel hair pasta with basil tomato sauce...

My new apartment is now full of some of my stuff thanks to Ethan and Stacy Nagel, Eddy Gonzalez and Cheryl, Jeff Gruetter and Shahin and Michelle Pirooz, all very good friends who I owe more than I can repay through this ordeal. Thanks very much guys, can’t even begin to tell you how much you all mean to me.

Attitude is getting a bit better, only pooped my pants once this week so that’s progress and definitely helps the attitude, and that episode was mostly due to the drugs that gave me Wednesday. Getting stronger as well but the shoulders are taking a beating, esp. my right shoulder which is already sketchy due to surgery 3 years ago. Trying very hard to ‘move out of the middle’, as I wrote about last time. Finding the willingness to even try is a battle at times, it seems so daunting to commit to a future in a chair when you’re barely able to do anything right and all day you worry about basic body functions. But the willingness is coming. Half the effort is in the trying.

Five more days and I’m outta here and in my own place finally after almost 6 months of being in one institution or another. Stay tuned for that fun … ;-)

This One's for You...

Scary looking dude, what's up with those socks?

First whole week at rehab done. Making some progress, up to 100 lbs on the bench press machine, can transfer myself from the bed to the wheelchair without assistance, etc. Doesn’t feel like much though in the face of what lies ahead.

Powerlessness. It’s a big scary word, one that shadows us our entire lives. When we’re born we are as powerless as can be, and spend our early years gaining control over our bodies, and later as we mature, over ourselves. As we enter adulthood we begin the process of creating a life that allows us to assert what we think is power over our environment and for some power over others. We spend most of our lives trying to maintain this illusion, but life and the world around us does not always cooperate and we are always reminded of how powerless we really are over things external to us. But that’s ok because it’s external to us, ‘factors beyond our control’ and such. We write ‘force majeure’ clauses into contracts, call them ‘acts of God’ or nature, fate, karma, whatever fits your paradigm. So we go through life getting into car accidents, having houses burn down, ballgames rained out and for the most part find solace in the knowledge that so many things are beyond our control, and pretty much everyone is in the same boat.

But it’s very different when you don’t have control over yourself. We always assume that despite what goes on external to us, we have control over ourselves, and due to that control we can navigate through whatever life throws at us. Well I don’t have that anymore and it’s really messing with me. I’m no longer who I was, at least at a functional level, and it is really a hard thing to adjust to, much less accept. I know longer have control over my legs, and as such am now constrained by what I can and cannot do from a chair. And I’m not talking about stuff like riding a motorcycle or climbing Mount Everest. I’m talking the day-to-day stuff that makes a person who they are. I see someone drop something and my instinct is to help pick it up. Can’t really do that now. Can’t hold open doors for people, can’t offer to help my friend move (not sure I actually will miss that part ;-), you get the idea.

You lose control over your bowels and bladder. Then the doc gives you pills to clean you out because he says you’re backed up. Great, now I have diarrhea and no bowel control. Try that for a couple of days and see what it does to your sense of self and your dignity.

I don’t want to climb Mount Everest. I just want to be able to get into the laundry room to wash my clothes but I can’t because the door is too heavy and once I’m in the door shuts and I get stuck in there. I want to be able to go to a friends house for dinner but not have to plan out how and when I’m going to do my bowel routine at someone else’s house, something that can take up to an hour to do correctly I’m told (I’m still learning).

There’s a lot to rant about with this condition. I’m in ranting mode right now, as you may have guessed. There are a couple of others here with the same type of injury and we’re all in rant mode, except the one who won’t come out of his room, he’s on suicide watch. We’re all trying to ‘adjust to our situation’. It ain’t easy. But there’s not much choice in the matter either. You either adjust to this or you give up. Half measures will get you nowhere. For a while you can find yourself lost in the middle, not committed to going the distance and working through it, not committed to grabbing the shotgun and getting it over with. It’s a bad place to be. I’m working my way out of that place right now. I’m leaning heavily towards going the distance by the way. But it’s amazing how had it is to make that commitment, you hang on to door number 2 (the shotgun) like a life preserver or something. It’s very strange, but I think it’s due to the uniqueness of this situation. Every time in my life prior to this, whenever I was hurt or injured, I knew if I did what I was told, I would be back to where I was before, or very close. But with this, no matter how hard I try in physical therapy, no matter how much I do what they tell me, I’ll still be paralyzed. I will be in an unacceptable situation. It’s very hard to focus yourself and strive to get what essentially seems to you like a place you don’t want to go. Sure it might get better, you get stronger, you figure out how to get into that laundry room without getting trapped, but you’re still in a chair living a life you’d never wish on anyone.

You’re not actively wishing for death, but you’re unwilling to accept life on the new terms it’s being offered to you. It’s a very strange place to be.
The power I do have is in my mind and my heart, and I’m using all I have and then some.

Like many of you I’ve had to dig deep for the strength to get through a tough situation, but until now I’ve never dug deep and come up empty. I’ve had a few days like that here, and will probably have a few more. I’m still digging though. I told the psychologist today that the main thing driving me right now isn’t me, it’s my friends, it’s knowing that you all are out there, pushing for me, wanting the best for me, and how can I give up on that? Eventually I’ll need to do this for myself, but for now, this one’s for you.

Thanks

A New Kind of Difficult

Me, or at least how I feel today... ;-)

Sorry for the delay, been busy getting my life all shaken up. Thursday I got the word that I would be transferring to Santa Clara Valley Medical Center to start my acute spinal cord injury rehab. The move was a bit rushed, and I’m having a hard time adjusting to my new digs on several levels.

First and foremost is the change from a small intimate home-type setting at Care Meridian to a ward in a county hospital, all institutional and stuff. I really wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the folks at Care Meridian, it was so hard to leave there, I bonded pretty strongly with most of the staff and 2-3 especially. Spending 4 months in bed was never going to be easy but they made it much more bearable than it could have been. I’ve never had to be so powerless and vulnerable in my life and they created a safe place for me to work through not only a lot of physical healing but the mental and emotional adjustments that come along with such a radical change in a person’s life when they have an injury like this. So to Colby, Claudia, Eleanor, Anneliese and the rest of the gang there, if you’re reading this I offer you my heartfelt thanks for everything you did for me.

Now I’m at VMC doing the rehab thing. I need to adjust to a new schedule, the nursing staff here is a lot less engaged and to be honest seems lost some times. I guess I just got used to a level of structure that now I find very much lacking here. I’m going to chat with the head nurse and see what if anything we can do to get things more on track. Maybe it’s just because I’m new here and they haven’t gotten used to me yet. We’ll see but if I need to remind anyone about my meds schedule again I might lose it.

Rehab itself is ok. The therapists are very nice and encouraging, and for the most part the work is hard but it feels good to be doing something. My body is so far out of shape from being in bed for 18 weeks it’s just ridiculous. My core muscles are so weak I have to prop myself up against the table when I eat in the wheel chair. I can hear my grandma’s voice in the back of my head, “elbows off the table!”. Sorry grandma but no can do.

I’m having a rough time overall with being in the chair. Sisyphus is what comes to mind, hence the image above. I just can’t believe how much harder it is to do pretty much anything when you are in this stupid chair. Some of it is my lack of strength or endurance, some of it is just because it’s new and I haven’t mastered the techniques, and it should get somewhat easier as time goes by. I know all this intellectually. However no matter how much easier it gets it will still suck compared to life before, and that’s what I’m struggling with currently. This is a level of constant, everyday difficulty that I’m having a hard time getting ok with, since I don’t really have an alternative. This isn’t like a new sport or hobby that I can say “naw, that was too hard, I’ll try something else”. There is no “something else”, this is how it’s going to be. Yes it will get easier but it will never be as it was, and I guess maybe I’m starting to really “mourn the loss” of living able-bodied like they told me I would.

Here’s the thing. I know I can figure it out, I know a lot of other people do it and from what I’ve seen if they can do it I can too. That’s not the issue, the “can I do it” part. The issue is do I want to do it. Now no, I ain’t all suicidal just yet so everyone can take a breath. But for this to work I need to want to do this, and to be honest right now that part just isn’t there. I’m not excited to be here, not excited to be up and in a chair, especially not excited at the fact that I need to start doing my own bowel management (I’ll leave that visual up to you, Google it if you are confused). I’m not sure what I need to do to get ok with all this, now that it’s really up and in my face. It was a lot easier to have a good attitude when I was in bed and being taken care of and the realities were off in the distance. Now they are up and in my face and scaring me a bit knowing that there is no option 2.

So today is struggle day, as will be tomorrow, and the next. The struggles will hopefully lessen, the difficulties diminish and my adjustment will hopefully continue for the better. I need to get my head right, I’ll keep you posted…

Take care everyone and thanlk you very much for all your support.

Easier Said than Done…

Really crappy photo of me sitting up, damn iPhone...

Got a lot of feedback about last week’s blog entry, seems to have caught a few folks off guard, heard comments like “harsh”, “hard-edged”, and my favorite, “it seems like maybe you’re not as upbeat as before…”.

Uh-huh, yea, true to all of the above. And more. Most folks got it however, since the point was to just let it fly as “raw footage” of the documentary that is my life. Hopefully not only will you see what I’m dealing with so as to better connect with me, but it may help you connect with anyone who is dealing with a major health crisis, not just a spinal cord injury. It may even resonate with something you are or have gone through yourself. As my very good friend Kirstin Burke put it:

“Most of us go through life trying to put some kind of whitewash on some part of our life that we can't face, or don't want to deal with - where if we could be honest, who knows what effects it would have…”

It’s one thing to talk about ‘playing the cards you’re dealt’ but it’s quite another to not only do it, but to lay those cards on the table for all to see, especially if it’s a hand full of rags. So I’m going to try to be as honest with you all as possible, and hopefully it will bring us a bit closer and maybe help you in your life as well. As Kirstin said, “Who knows what effects it may have” for you or someone you know, or maybe haven’t even met yet?

Ok enough pontificating; let’s get to the good stuff. I finally sat upright for the first time in 17 weeks. 17 weeks 4 days to be exact. The crappy picture above was taken by one of the therapists, wish it was better quality. This was sooo friggin hard to do I couldn’t believe it. At first you get very dizzy but luckily due to the work we’ve been doing on the tilt table I got past that and then had to figure out how to balance myself with trunk muscles that have been doing jack squat for the last 17 weeks. Took 10 minutes before I could even hold myself up using my hands on the bed without the therapist steadying me! Note the death grip on the bed in the pic. Eventually I got to where I could hold steady (sort of) with no hands.

Lasted about 25 minutes like this, we even did a few exercises, played ‘paddy-cake’, etc. I’ve almost completely regressed to 3 years old. ;-) I thought it was a complete washout because all I have to compare as a reference point is how I was before the accident, but the therapists said it was a smashing success and I did much better than they expected. I’ll go with their assessment for now but it is amazing how far I am from where I was before the accident. We’ll keep building on this though and hopefully gains will come quickly.

Other good news, I met with a lady from the rehab center today and the process of transferring me to rehab has started, the wound is almost closed, it’s down to 1 cm deep and the hole is much smaller so hopefully by this time next week it’s all gone. Going to rehab is full of mixed emotions, while it sucks to be stuck in a bed 24 hours a day for 17 weeks it’s in a very safe and friendly place, every step I take closer to going home is both scary and thrilling. But again we’re on the ‘one day at a time’ program so for now my focus is on the next day or so only.

Also I now have a place to live that’s not a friend’s couch, with lots of cool help from Stacy Nagel doing the footwork I now have a one bedroom apartment in Sunnyvale. I lived in this complex before so I’m pretty familiar with the area, should help smooth the transition back to the real world. My house is in escrow, we’re still waiting on the bank for final approval then that’s done.

Next is line up a car, get to rehab, learn all that crippled person stuff and then get home to my own bed and my life, whatever is left of it.

More info as I get it, y’all take care out there.

Today is not Tomorrow

Actual copy of my latest x-rays (sort of...)

That’s my new mantra, “today is not tomorrow”. It’s kinda like that disclaimer you see on stock broker ads, “past performance is not indicative of future performance”. Only for me, and many other SCI folks we are trying to avoid what happened today or yesterday or last week, we want tomorrow to be better.

It’s a game of waiting and hoping for outcomes that for the most part are completely beyond your control. Getting a nerve to wake up is not something you can do; they do what they will whenever they decide to do so, if at all. Nerve pain is ever-present, and plays on your optimism by leading you to believe that it’s a good sign, that something is going on. Sometimes they wake up half-way and you get a a whole day’s worth of on/off pain when they misfire and fool you into hoping that once the nerve gets its act together you’ll have a new muscle to work on.

If you’re lucky the pain was worth it and a new muscle innervates and then you get to spend hours trying to get it to anything resembling movement. When you are rewarded with that you get a great feeling that yes, I might walk again. Later you realize it’s one of several dozen muscles that you need, and why aren’t those doing anything? You fall back down to earth and remember that there are a lot of folks out there with only partial recovery, often of no use to them at all. Like trying to play Scrabble but all the vowels are missing. Works if you’re from the Czech Republic, otherwise extremely frustrating.

So you tell yourself that what it looks like today isn’t what it could look like tomorrow. You try to build up hope, that hope that all your friends tell you not to lose but despite their best intentions and efforts, only you can actually do the refill when the “hope” tank runs low. So you dig, some days deeper than others.

Same with your bowel and bladder. Maybe tomorrow you’ll get it right and not have an accident. Same with a number of things that you never thought you’d ever have to deal with before you became injured. I’m a guy, I’ve never in my life worried about bladder infections, now I need to worry about them every day. How messed up is that?

You don’t want to let yourself down, don’t want to let down your friends and family. You know you’re a strong person, you’ve handled some really heavy loads before. You can handle anything that gets thrown at you. But somehow this is different, because there’s no end to it, no light at the end of the tunnel, no guarantees that if you stay strong and you put in 100% effort your life will look like it did before. In fact most likely you’ll be dealing with the same nonsense for the rest of your life. The uncertainty slowly unraveled the threads that hold your resolve together.

Some days you wonder what’s the point. To be or not to be, that is the question. Does this situation qualify as outrageous fortune? Can I get a waiver for the rest of my life and just check out? No one around with sufficient authority to ask, oh well, if it’s a good idea today it will be a better idea tomorrow. Remember today is not tomorrow, right? Whatever, is it dinner yet? Maybe it’s taco night, that would be worth staying alive for another day.

A lua esta bailando na Quintana dos mortos. But so far still dancing alone. ($10 if you know where that came from ;-).

You start listening to songs that remind you of better times, you start to lose yourself in the past, (a past that sometimes is better in the remembering than the reality) and then catch yourself thinking that your future will never be as good as your past. It’s another mind-trap that is all too easy to fall into.

So in the end, you keep plugging away and hanging onto that one simple phrase, “today is not tomorrow”. Had a bad day today, that’s ok because tomorrow will hopefully be different. Keep swinging, never give up. I must have watched “Cool Hand Luke” one time too many. ;-)

I’m up to 15 lb dumbbells and asking for 20 pounders, they’re afraid I’ll drop them on my head but I told them I’ll drop them on their heads if I don’t get them. Gotta keep moving forward. I seem to be making more muscles twitch, makes more nerve pain when I do it but the results are promising. Maybe…

We just finished the Friday wound measurement and we've hit the 2 cm mark, so now I get to start sitting up finally and even should be able to hop into a chair. Far Out.

Take care everyone and stay tuned, this might get interesting…

Breathing and Pushing

Actual photo of me with no skin, showing the cool spot.
This will make more sense as you read on...

So the theme for today is breathing and pushing. Because I've been doing a bunch of that lately, and I'm not alone.

So first the really cool news, for those of you you who know Shahin and Michelle, or even for those who don't, they finally gave birth to their second child yesterday evening. The baby was over 2 weeks overdue but yesterday it finally happened, and after lots of breathing and pushing Michelle popped out a beautiful baby girl. Can't tell you how happy I am for the both of you.

I of course am not pregnant and hope to never be, (probably safe bet that one...) but still have been doing a lot of breathing and pushing of my own, working with my physical therapist every day. We go through a bunch of exercises with my legs, both range of motion exercises and also exercises to see if we can detect or induce any muscle activity. It's like pushing as hard as you can against a solid brick wall. It really wears you out but you don't see or feel any movement.

Until now...

So we've got muscle twitching in the left leg, up in the quads. This is a very good sign and we've working hard every day to coax more and more out of it. There are no guarantees that we'll get more, but my hope meter just got a big boost.

The downside is the nerve pain is also jumping up, but hopefully that's a sign that nerves are trying to wake up. Nerves really suck when they don't work right, so hopefully we get this sorted sooner than later.

More info soon...

The Future Looks, Kinda Blank...

Actual picture of a blank slate

So getting better after my excursion into sepsis land, strength is coming back, able to do the same level of weight workout as before, and getting a handle on the new pee removal process. It's great stuff if you're a data junkie, you sit and fixate on how much you drink and then how much you pee. I'm sure there's some mathematical model that could be created to predict future output based on current input, I'll have to see if I can come up with that, I'm sure it would be a boon to the medical community and might even snag me a Nobel prize.

We're getting closer to me leaving Care Meridian and finally heading to Valley Med for rehab, the wound is down to only ~ 3.5 centimeters deep, from the 15 cm it was when I got here. Seems that without my body having to fight a bunch of evil kooties in my bladder it can concentrate more on filling in the wound. That's a good thing. When it's going well it heals up about 1-2 cm a week.

Started a new thing this week, there is a device called a "tilt table" here, imagine the table that they put Frankenstein's monster on, you lay on it, they strap you down then it tilts you up from horizontal to vertical. It has a ledge for your feet, so you don't slide down. The idea is to do a couple of things, one is to get you slowly acclimated to being vertical, the other to help get weight on your feet and leg bones to stave off osteoporosis and help with blood flow. The acclimation is needed because after so long in bed my equilibrium has reoriented itself and needs to be reset. This takes time, otherwise if you try to go completely vertical too soon, you pass out due to low blood pressure, since paralyzed legs can no longer help pump the blood back up from the legs to the heart and brain. I did ok until we got to 60 degrees, lasted 20 minutes then almost passed out so they lowered me back to flat very quickly. They said that this was normal, and that I actually did well lasting 20 minutes, so we'll keep trying until I can handle 90 degrees, which is needed if I'm going to try and sit in a wheel chair.

Why does the future look blank? Glad you asked. I came to a realization last week that I was not going to get my life back. For weeks I would sit and think about when I could get my old life back. But it ain't gonna happen. In fact most of what was my life is either gone or on it's way out. My house, truck, hobbies, and even my position where I work. I realized that am looking at a whole new life I'm going to have to build almost from scratch. New place to live, new job ( but at the same company, the CEO their has been great and very accommodating through this whole process, a testament to his character. We'll be creating a new position for me when I get back.) , new hobbies and things to find enjoyment in, etc. Even those things that are still there will be dealt with differently since I will be in a wheel chair. Many things will be harder, take longer to do, getting dressed for example.

The only thing that remains constant and will still be as it was before are my friends and family, and that's a good thing since they are the most important. So there will be a lot of rebuilding and creating new stuff. I'm looking at a very blank slate, which is one the one hand very daunting, on the other offers a lot of opportunities. My job right now is to believe in the possibilities and not allow myself to become overwhelmed by the fact that everything is so unknown and open-ended.

Are you strong enough to be weak for a while?

My very good friend Ethan Nagel asked me that the other day. For those who don't know him, Ethan is one of the smartest guys I know, and gifted with a keen ability to read people very quickly and zoom in on what is going on behind the scenes. He's also very good a pulling nuggets of wisdom out of his ass, such as the little bit I've used as the title for this entry.

I've been lucky to have people like Ethan in my life for a while now, as well as many others, and have also been smart enough (some times accidentally so)to actually let them know who I am, even the deep down parts that you normally don't always let show. This combination of Ethan's insightfulness and my willingness to let my guard down to friends like Ethan, Shahin and others is what is keeping me sane right now as I struggle with the mental and emotional issues that have tagged along for the ride. It's much harder than I ever thought it would be.

It's not my nature to be 'weak', to ask for or even allow others to help me. I've always been the strong one that others turn to. That all vanished when I woke up in the ICU and realized I would need to rely on a whole bunch of folks for almost everything for an indeterminate amount of time. It's not that I don't want to do things but due to my current situation, being stuck in bed I just can't, and it drives me nuts.

Now just after getting back from my recent hospital stay my mental state was a bit shaky and I was really having a hard time with all of this. A long phone call with Shahin got me stabilized a bit, and then a similar chat with Ethan, where he asked me that simple question, "are you strong enough to be weak for a while?". Of course by 'weak' what he meant was am I able to allow others to do for me until I can do for myself, and I have to say it is a very hard thing to do. But I am doing it, hating every minute but doing it.

Getting my strength back finally from the septic attack thing, started back to lifting the 10 lb dumbells, they got a lot heavier while I was gone it seems... ;-)

Have fun...

Hey all, as with the rest of you, I am glad to see Eric back at Care Meridian and blogging... I was reading through some comments and catching up when I saw this one from some time ago on my last update:

Shahin
Maybe we could set up a calendar on the web where everyone can log onto and sign up for a day to bring food for Eric. It would also be helpful to know what Eric would and would not like to eat. Is there a way you can set one up on this? Thanks so much for keeping us updated!
Terri

Well Terri, we are planning exactly this for when Eric is back in Santa Clara at Valley Med. Please keep checking back here as we will post the Calendar info here...

Thanks for suggestion Terri.

Back from the edge, yet again

Actual photo of a kootie in action

Hey There

Sorry for the delayed post, had some Internet access issues and then, even more fun, just got out of the hospital after a fun 5 day stay for sepsis.

So a bit of background here, as you may know spinal cord injuries come with a long list of other interesting side dishes in addition the the main entree of paralysis. Loss of bowel and bladder control are most notable, and so with the bladder issue comes the constant and persistent threat of bladder infections due to the need to get the pee out using an assortment of medical plumbing known as catheters, basically tubes you stick in that special part of your body that tap into the bladder and allow the pee out. There is one type that lives in there all the time called a "foley" catheter, and while convenient it is a major source of kooties getting into your bladder.

Now the thing that just happened to me is that I had a bladder infection but was asymptomatic, and so without symptoms we didn't know that trouble was brewing. After a while it decided to go into full-blown sepsis to get my attention and that's when things got very not-so-good very quickly. Spent 2 1/2 days in ICU and another 2 1/2 days in the hospital getting hammered with 3 major antibiotics and a few other wicked drugs that I'd rather not experience again.

I'm back at Care Meridian now, recovering quickly. We've discontinued the use of the Foley and I now do what is called "straight intermittent catherization" which means i do it myself every 4 hours or so. This is how it is for any SCI person who has lost bladder control, for many it is for the rest of their lives. Maybe me too. We'll see.

Why all this gory detail? I wanted this blog thing to be both a way to let you all know what's up with me but also to help you understand what life can be like for the paralyzed. It is much more complicated than I ever thought, and fraught with a lot more danger than I ever suspected. Before WW II and antibiotics, over 60% of SCI patients died from sepsis brought on by a bladder infection. Apparently I almost did too, but dodged a bullet once again, in major part to the good care I receive here.

Soooo.... I'll be trying to get more frequent updates, but hopefully less drama. :-)

What do you mean I have a tail?

Actual x-ray of me, obviously right after the accident.

Can you spot the problem? ;-)

I have a tail. So do you. Apparently everyone does and most don't even know it. Might make a good bar bet.

Seems your spinal cord only goes down to the upper part of your lumbar spine (your spine has 4 parts, cervical, thoracic, lumbar and finally sacral parts, moving from top to bottom). At the bottom of the spinal cord is the cauda equina, which as all of you know is Latin for "horse's tail". This is a bundle of nerves that branches out to control the lower parts of your body, things like legs, bowel and bladder, and of course your 'fun zone'.

This is the part of me that got smacked hardest apparently, at least from a central nervous system perspective, and why I am paralyzed. My horse's tail is unhappy. Maybe a good combing would help...

So far from everything the docs are seeing, none of the nerves are cut, nor is the cord cut. It seems the nerves are just very unhappy that they got smacked around and squished and so they have decided to go on strike. The big question is how long they plan on doing this and if there is anything I can do to get them back to work.

There is a lot of swelling still in the spinal cord and the tail section, and this swelling needs to subside before any type of recovery can start to make itself apparent. I've been doing research to find out what if anything can be done to help this along, as you can imagine there are a lot of folks and places saying they can help initiate and/or accelerate recovery but not a lot of data substantiating the claims. I'll keep looking into it but for now it's still mostly about waiting for the swelling to go down and for my wounds to finish healing.

If there is anything you guys would like me to talk about please feel free to let me know, I'm just kinda of winging it here, hope it's interesting.

Sweet dreams and fine machines in pieces on the ground...

Stole that from a James Taylor song. Seems apropos to this entry. I thought I'd write quickly about what actually happened and how I got in this pickle, and then ramble a bit. Mental rambling is a skill I possess in abundance so here we go.

The "how" I got here is pretty easy. When we start a race we line up on the starting grid in rows, and are in pretty close proximity to each other. It's not uncommon for some of us to make contact when the green flag drops because the bikes are so powerful they are hard to launch in a straight line. At the start of my first race of the day, I was on the grid, the flag dropped and after moving about 30-40 yards another rider came over from the right side and made contact with me. His handlebars locked up with mine and as they were twisted out of my hands my bike went down.

This left me in a very bad spot, bouncing around on the ground in a stampede of race bikes. Another racer from farther back on the grid was unable to avoid hitting me, as is usually the case in this situation, and he hit me doing ~ 60 MPH. This sent me flying about 15 feet in the air, and then I landed on the track surface.

Some folks have asked me if I regret racing and my answer is always an emphatic "No". I raced for 7 years, dodged many a bullet in that time, took a few hits, but the rewards far outweighed the costs to me. I've met a number of fantastic people, I have myself grown and expanded my willingness and ability to interact with people, and also developed a new level of confidence in myself that i think could only have come from mastering something as difficult and dangerous as motorcycle racing.

You always know in the back of your mind that if you play you will at some point need to pay, and every once in a while the costs are more that you thought they would be. That's the case here, but now it's time to play the cards I've been dealt. I won't lie, some days I'd rather fold that stay in the game, but for now I'll keep trying to make the best out of this shitty hand.

And now the fun begins... ;-)

Hello from Eric!

Hello everyone, I finally remembered to have Shahin get me posting rights to this blog so from now on I will try to keep it up-to-date with an entry every few days.

Hmmmm, what to say in my first post? I guess mostly a huge amount of thanks to everyone who's been offering their support and positive thoughts. I've been amazed at the outpouring of support and find myself very lucky to have so many in my life.

This is week 10 now, been in bed for almost 10 full weeks and it's very interesting. We did a CT scan last Friday and are getting the results back, things are looking good so far, the wound sems to be healing well and on schedule. I've started a weight-lifting program, albeit in bed, but it's a start and I've already graduated to 10 lb dumbbells, a major feat apparently. The therapists are easily impressed I guess. I'm pushing for more weight but they told me to chill. Okey dokey...

The food here is good, real food, not the stuff you get in a hospital. The staff are great as well, it's a good place to be as I heal up and get ready for my new life.

That's it for now, hopefully I'll come up with something more interesting to post later.

Take care everyone.

Hello all. Sorry for the delay in updates. Eric has now been in a new facility allowing him to rest and focus on healing his wounds prior to returning to rehabilitation in Santa Clara. The new location is a great spot in Gilroy that is quaint, quite and cozy. He has a great room with a view of the fields and when I last spoke to him he was watching a jack rabbit running across it… He tells me the food is good and is not looking forward to the food back in Santa Clara, so he is hoping that we can put a meal schedule together for those that want to help. Last time around a few friends brought an awful lot of food (Michelle and I included) and I think we need to coordinate a meal schedule that gets him what he needs in a timely manner rather than the overwhelming amount he got and could not get to last time.

It is important for all visitors to remember that Eric is still healing and needs as much rest as possible. The doctors have said that he should limit visitors to no more than an hour at a time and no more than a total of 3 hours in a given day. So, please check in with Eric before dropping by and make sure he has not gone over his limit for the day. The best visiting hours are between 1:30 to 5 pm and 6 to 8:30 pm.

The new location is the CareMeridian facility in Gilroy. Here is the address, website and map links:
www.caremeridian.com
11500 Center Ave
Gilroy, CA 95020
(408) 686-0758
Get directions
More information »

Hello everyone, our last post was on May 8th as we have been busy with the move from Santa Rosa to Santa Clara. Eric happily left Santa Rosa and arrived at the Spinal Rehab facility in Santa Clara on Tuesday.

Doctors began with an overall mental and physical assessment to determine his readiness for the program. He passed the mental exam (phew!) but they concluded that one of his wounds was not healed thoroughly enough for him to begin a rehab program. As you can imagine, this news was a bit frustrating for Eric.

Considering how close we came to losing Eric and how serious his injuries were, it really shouldn’t be a shock that he needs more time to heal. But it certainly was disappointing news after we were all cheering him on to begin rehabilitation. The doctors expect Eric will need to spend the next several weeks in a skilled nursing facility in the Santa Clara area to allow his wounds to heal further.

He was anxious to get started on his rehab right away but was worried about his rib injuries slowing him down. So the good news is that time he needs for his wounds to heal will also allow his ribs to heal. This will allow him to enter rehab much stronger and ready to work hard. Once his wounds are fully healed he will be back to the Spinal Rehab Facility to begin the rehabilitation program. We’re not sure exactly when Eric will be moved to a skilled nursing facility, or which facility, but we’ll update the blog as soon as we know more.

Official Post by Eric!

Hello everybody. This is Eric Arnold. First I want to take a moment to offer up my very heartfelt thanks to everybody out there who has been supportive in one way or another. I would not be able to make it as far as I have without the help of some very special people. Some of you are in the racing community and some of you aren’t, but I can’t say enough about what you’ve done for me and will do for me in the future. Thank you so much for everything.

Most of you know me as a pretty reality-based person so let’s talk quickly about where we are today. The current status, and I emphasize the word current, is that I am paralyzed below the waist. I want to put that out there very quickly because I know there’s a lot of conjecture and it’s a very scary thing for people to wonder and have that kind of thing hanging over their head about someone they care about. Accepting the full reality of the situation is the first step in actually being able to address it and start fixing it. So again, the current status is that I am paralyzed from the waist down. I have no movement in my legs at all. So I guess that makes me a paraplegic. That being said, that’s today and we don’t’ know what tomorrow is going to bring. There is a lot of swelling and damage. As the swelling goes down it is like an onion and new layers are revealed. The hope of me and everyone else is that over time and with therapy things improve and I regain some motion if not all. But for my own mental state anyway, I just need to publically acknowledge my current condition so I can keep a straight head on.

Just a quick little list of injuries for those of you who’ve been wondering, cause I know we all have a macabre streak or at least everyone has a natural curiosity: I destroyed three vertebrae, two lumbar and one thoracic, I busted and or dislocated five ribs, I ripped open an 18 inch gash in my sacral artery which is where all the blood came from on the track, and I punctured my right lung. Along with various other bruises and contusions that I know most of the racers at least are very familiar with. The good new s is most of the healing is underway. Other than the paralysis it’s all recoverable from.  There’s a boatload of titanium in my lower back, as usual for this kind of injury, so it’s kind of the standard take me apart and put me back together in a much more orderly way than I came apart. I was in surgery for over 10 hours and ran through nineteen total units of blood between heading to the helicopter on Sunday  and leaving surgery on Monday.

As far as the actual incident, that’s all it is to me in my mind, a pure racing incident. My bike came together with someone else’s bike on the grid, I am not sure who exactly and it doesn’t really matter to me other than I hope that they are okay. I went down on the track and some poor unfortunate soul ran over me, if not more than one. They think maybe two. But any of you who have raced know that your visual in that situation is almost none. My only hope is that in the whole accident I was the worst one injured and everyone else heals up fine and everybody moves on to whatever they feel most comfortable with in their racing career. 

One reason I am writing this is that I am finally being moved out of Critical Care Unit and downgraded to the Intensive Care Unit.  I am awaiting a move to Santa Clara Valley Hospital where they have a special spinal cord unit full of people who do nothing all day but deal with spinal cord injuries and spinal cord therapy. My family and I have all been told that these guys are the best in the business and there’s no place better I could be going so I am very confident about that. The current plan is for me to be there some time Monday, May 11. It’s a very regimented program, as you can imagine these should be, but there will be plenty of time for visiting in the afternoons and evenings. I just don’t know enough yet to tell you more details. Once I get settled in after a couple days and I understand the routine better I’ll post some visiting hours. During the normal daytime I think it will be busy like a job, at least that’s the way I’m looking at it, so give me a couple days to nail down the when and the where for visitations.

One of the reasons for going through this program is its intense focus on making people as functional as possible regardless of the level of mobility they regain. So I will be focused on doing everything I can to being the quality of my life back up as best I can with their help and your help.

My mom and my family have been a great support to me in this time and they have been amazed at the level of support that you all have been giving to both myself and them. On behalf of my mom, brother, and sister I just want to thank everybody for their thoughts and prayers offered on behalf of me.  I am a very lucky person to have had this happen to me at a time in my life when I am surrounded by so many great people.

I will keep you updated as I can. I don’t have internet access as of yet, but I may have it at the facility in Santa Clara. If not, I‘ll continue to use Shahin, Ethan, and other friends to keep getting as much info to you as possible. Feel free to reply to these posts to let us know if there is any more info that you’d like to get. 

Today is day 2 of the clear fluid diet. Eric is feeling stronger every day and this afternoon we’re going to open all of the cards he’s received at the hospital. 

The doctors also confirmed that Eric will not have the second surgery this week. He may have it later depending on his progress, but overall this is great news! It allows him to continue his healing process, including daily occupational and physical therapy, and most importantly it means he can move to Santa Clara’s Spinal Trauma Unit early next week, possibly Monday. 

Eric's occupational therapist used to work there and today he spent over an hour giving Eric the inside scoop on what to expect. Everyone is really confident that Eric will receive top-notch treatment. Check out their video if you want to know more.

Today was Clear Fluids day! Eric enjoyed hot tea, broth, and jello! He had a huge smile and said the hot tea made him feel really good.

Eric's neurosurgeon returned and ordered an MRI to determine if an additional surgery will be performed. The MRI was done from 2-4pm. The doctor will meet with us tomorrow to discuss the results. The nurses hinted that there may not be a second surgery, so we're hoping they're right!

No surgery means Eric would move to the Santa Clara Spinal Trauma unit on Friday or Monday and begin working toward regaining as much mobility as possible. He's anxious to begin the journey, as are all of us. An additional surgery means at least another week in ICU in Santa Rosa.

We will update the blog after we meet with the doctor tomorrow.

No new news today... Eric continued to be tortured (Eric's words, not mine) by his Physical and Occupational Therapists. Eric says they deliver pain with a smile, and it doesn't hurt that they're cute!

His Neurosurgeon has been out all weekend and through today... they expect him back tomorrow and we are hoping to get a better update from him. As tomorrow will be his first day back, we don't expect that the surgery will happen before Thursday or Friday.

Eric has made new friends with his sleep-apnea machine and likes it more than he likes us! Eric's mom (Helga) is back in town and by his side today.

Today was a long day for Eric as he did not get much rest. We left him at 5 pm to try and sleep. You see, Eric has a love/hate relationship with his Physical Therapist. She worked him hard today and he sat at the edge of his bed for 17 minutes. Eric is doing great even though all of this work is very painful.

As you all know Eric, he has embraced this new challenge (Physical Therapy) and is going to beat it come "h" "e" "double hockey sticks" or high water! Way to go Eric!

Eric got another day of rest yesterday... but that didn't come until after he sat at the edge of his bed for 15 minutes! Thank you all for giving him his space to heal, I think that has gone a long way towards his recovery.

Yesterday was a good day... Eric's day-shift nurse did a great job of keeping everyone out of Eric's room and let him sleep. Eric slept most of the day and got one solid four hour block of sleep in. As you all know from my previous posts, Eric is in much need of rest so he and recover from his last surgery.

We still don't know a date for the next surgery, but it will likely be near the end of the week. The Doctors don't feel he has healed enough and want to give him time to recover... I know I keep sounding like a broken record, but we really need to leave Eric alone as much as we can so he can rest and recover.

From Friday's post you are all aware that the Doctors are concerned with any complications and want to reduce the risk of infection or pneumonia by reducing the foot-traffic in his room. I want to thank everyone who has taken this to heart and have been waiting patiently to see Eric. I know a lot of people want to come see Eric, but again I appreciate all of you putting your wants and needs on hold for what's best for Eric.

To give you all a chance to speak with Eric (virtually) am setting up another blog that will allow you all to post to it. I have added the emails from those I have on my email list... those people will have the ability to post. Anyone who does not have the ability to post (that wants to) please send me your email address and I will add you to the blog as a contributor... I can add up to 100 contributors. Click here for the "Get Well Eric" GOLB

We will continue to post updates here on this BLOG, but you will be able to send positive messages to Eric on the "Get Well Eric" GOLB listed above. Remember that the purpose of the "Get Well Eric" GOLB is to send Eric uplifting and positive message to help him keep focused on getting better fast.

Eric remains in the ICU and is still in serious condition. We were able to meet with his trauma doctor and he is concerned that Eric is not healing as quickly as he would like to see; however, he was able to remove his chest tube. The chest tube helped repair most of the lung’s damage but there is still a section that is not inflated. This puts Eric at great risk for serious complications, such as pulmonary edema and pneumonia. Either of these complications would be very difficult for Eric to endure at this stage. The doctor is very concerned that we do everything we can to help Eric avoid these complications.

The best way to help him right now is to limit his exposure to others and allow him time to rest. Your support means so much to Eric and he will need all your positive energy in the coming months. Thank you for working with the family to save your visits for later on in his healing process. Eric is concerned about this new news and has asked that no visitors come until he is past this stage and the risk of complications is reduced.

There is plenty of blood at the local blood bank, so they don’t technically need people to donate directly to Eric’s surgery. You can contribute to your local blood bank in Eric’s honor.

However, if you’d like to make the drive to Santa Rosa, A Positive donors can donate directly to Eric’s surgery if they follow these directions:
Blood must be donated at
Blood Bank of the Redwoods
2324 Bethards Drive
Santa Rosa, CA
707-545-1222

Donations take 3-4 days to process and the earliest day for his surgery would be Wednesday. Donations are accepted
Friday and Saturday from 9am-3pm and
Monday – Thursday 12pm-7pm.

There is no cost for donating directly to Eric. You’ll need to provide the blood bank the following information.
Patient Name: Eric Arnold
Hospital Name: Santa Rosa Memorial
M.D. Requesting: Dr. Eichbaum

Here is some great information about blood types and compatibility:

http://bloodcenter.stanford.edu/about_blood/blood_types.html

Thank you Cheryl!

Eric sat at the edge of his bed for five minutes yesterday, it was with the help of the nurses, but it was a great step forward.

We now know that there will be another surgery, and it will likely be next week. The doctor would like to wait until Eric is recovered a bit more from his first surgery. This new schedule means that Eric will be staying in Santa Rosa for another couple of weeks.

This new surgery means that Eric will need more blood for the surgery. If you are type A+ or compatible, and would like to donate blood to Eric directly rather than in his honor, hold of on donating for a bit. We are trying to dig into what is required to donate directly to Eric and will let you know the details as soon as we have them. It will require that you come to Santa Rosa to do it.

We just found out that Eric will need another surgery next week that will require a lot of blood from the blood bank. His blood type is A+. If you have a compatible blood type and are willing to make the trip to Santa Rosa, you are welcome to donate blood directly to Eric next week. Remember that you can only donate blood every 6 weeks, so if you are able and willing to donate at the Santa Rosa Memorial, please hold off until we have more information.

CenterBeam is also hosting a Blood Drive for Eric in San Jose. If you are in San Jose and can make this time, please register and join us this Friday. Here is the info:
________________________________________
CenterBeam Blood Drive in Honor of Eric Arnold
Friday May 1, 2009
9:00 a.m.-1:00 p.m.
For our friend and colleague Eric…

You will be able to make your appointment starting tomorrow at 9 am for Friday
To make an appointment
Log onto http://bloodcenter.stanford.edu/
Click on "Find a Blood Drive"
Under "Search by Sponsor City" enter "San Jose" and click on the date of the drive. Follow the prompts to schedule your appointment.

The appointment takes a total of 30 minutes from start to finish.

Bring Photo ID

Requirements for donating:

• Be at least 17 years of age
• Weigh at least 110 lbs
• Be free of cold and flu symptoms
• Eat before donating & drink lots of water

Thanks!
Cheryl Adams
________________________________________

Today was a long day and a lot was accomplished. Eric was fitted for his upper body cast which will help support his back and allow him to sit up in the days to come. They did the additional scans and x-rays we talked about yesterday, however we don't have the results yet. Eric's mood and level of alertness was much improved today. By 6 pm Eric had again been poked and prodded all day and was exhausted so we all left him alone to rest. The good news was that he was able to sleep last night and that helped him through today. We were able to start all of the paper work for his transfer to Santa Clara, which has one of the best spine rehab programs in the country. We hope to know by the next update tomorrow how long Eric will be in Santa Rosa and when he will be able to transfer to Santa Clara.

There have been many people who have been asking if they can do anything or donate money or help in any way. For those of you in San Jose, there will be blood drive we are doing in Eric's honor this coming Friday. I will have the specifics for you in tomorrows post... please check back. Those of you who are looking to provide financial support, hold tight as we are working on setting up one or more fund-raisers for Eric and we will provide the details here.

I want to thank you all personally for all of the support and outreach I have been seeing for Eric. It is comforting to his family to know that so many people care for Eric. Please keep the warm thoughts coming.

Many of you have asked for the address of the Hospital in Santa Rosa so that you can send cards, here it is, but please remember that Eric needs his rest and the family is asking visitors to wait until Eric feels he is ready for people to come by.

Eric Arnold, Room 267
c/o Santa Rosa Memorial Hospital
1165 Montgomery Drive
Santa Rosa, CA 95405

The Doctor plans on doing a scan on Eric, hopefully tomorrow, to assess the outcome of the surgeries. We will know more and can send out an update after we get the results of that scan.

We really appreciate all of you respecting Eric’s wishes to limit visitors to his family right now. He has been poked and prodded throughout the day with all kinds of tests… as a result he has not slept a wink all day and was exhausted and in need of sleep. There were no visitors and the family stayed out of his room tonight which will give him the opportunity for the much needed rest. I will let you know as soon as Eric tells us he is ready for visitors.

Many people have asked about sending flowers, unfortunately the ICU does not accept any flowers. I think any cards you can send would be great and something Eric would love.

We have found an update about the blood drive; unfortunately there is no longer any kind of credit system. However when you donate blood you can request that it is in honor Eric Arnold and they will give you a donor card to that effect. Please send me an email with your name as we will create donor cards and place them in Eric’s room.

Hello Everyone, I just visited with Eric and he is awake but exhausted, so he is in and out of sleep. There are a lot of people who want to see him and have asked to come visit; so I asked Eric how he felt and if he was up for visitors. He has asked that for the next couple of days the visits be limited to a short list of folks including his family and a couple of close friends. He has given me his short list and I will reach out to those folks to let them know they are on the list.

For everyone else, please respect Eric’s wishes as we are all here to support him. I will continue to provide updates to everyone so you are not left in the dark. Please know that Eric very much appreciates the love and support you are all sending his way and take no offense in his request.

All, I was just asked by the Hospital if we can reduc the calls coming in for Eric. There are a lot of people who love Eric and the Hospital Staff are being inundated by calls… Please know that I will be updating you as I have information and the Hospital Staff will be routing all communications and status through me.

As for visitation, they would like to have no visitors between the hours of 5-6 AM and PM as that is when the shift changes are.

Thanks for your support.

I know a lot of you are waiting for an update and I decided it would be easiest to send an email to all rather than trying to call you all... There are a lot of people supporting Eric and having him in their hearts and thoughts. He needs your positive thoughts and energy now more than ever. He just came out of an all day surgery and Dr. Ikebaum gave us this update...

The surgery was long and very difficult as the damage to his vertebrae was severe. Two of his vertebrae are shattered and there was a lot of damage to the spinal cord. The Dr. was able to bring his spine into alignment and reconstruct it. There is a rod in his back holding everything in alignment and pinned to the surrounding vertebrae. He also had a collapsed lung and lost a lot of blood. The Dr. said that the surgery went as well as could be expected and that Eric now needed time to recover as it was a long surgery. He will be recovering here in the Santa Rosa Trauma Unit for about a week. There is a good chance that he will need further surgery to remove the shattered bone and add bone grafts. He will likely be transferred the the Santa Clara Trauma Unit once he has recovered and stabilized from the surgeries.

Many of you will ask “what can I do.” Eric needed 9 units of blood through the night and his surgery. We are looking into how we rally to donate blood and make sure the credits go to Eric. Please be ready for us when we figure out the logistics.

According to the Dr., the odds are against him having a complete recovery. That said, all of you that know Eric know that he is an amazingly stubborn and strong individual with a will to beat all the odds. Your thoughts and prayers will go a long way to helping him on this journey to a full recovery; he needs all the positive thought and energy that you can muster.

I’m not sure that it is appropriate for too many visitors right now, but as I know more I will update everyone.