A New Kind of Difficult

Me, or at least how I feel today... ;-)

Sorry for the delay, been busy getting my life all shaken up. Thursday I got the word that I would be transferring to Santa Clara Valley Medical Center to start my acute spinal cord injury rehab. The move was a bit rushed, and I’m having a hard time adjusting to my new digs on several levels.

First and foremost is the change from a small intimate home-type setting at Care Meridian to a ward in a county hospital, all institutional and stuff. I really wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the folks at Care Meridian, it was so hard to leave there, I bonded pretty strongly with most of the staff and 2-3 especially. Spending 4 months in bed was never going to be easy but they made it much more bearable than it could have been. I’ve never had to be so powerless and vulnerable in my life and they created a safe place for me to work through not only a lot of physical healing but the mental and emotional adjustments that come along with such a radical change in a person’s life when they have an injury like this. So to Colby, Claudia, Eleanor, Anneliese and the rest of the gang there, if you’re reading this I offer you my heartfelt thanks for everything you did for me.

Now I’m at VMC doing the rehab thing. I need to adjust to a new schedule, the nursing staff here is a lot less engaged and to be honest seems lost some times. I guess I just got used to a level of structure that now I find very much lacking here. I’m going to chat with the head nurse and see what if anything we can do to get things more on track. Maybe it’s just because I’m new here and they haven’t gotten used to me yet. We’ll see but if I need to remind anyone about my meds schedule again I might lose it.

Rehab itself is ok. The therapists are very nice and encouraging, and for the most part the work is hard but it feels good to be doing something. My body is so far out of shape from being in bed for 18 weeks it’s just ridiculous. My core muscles are so weak I have to prop myself up against the table when I eat in the wheel chair. I can hear my grandma’s voice in the back of my head, “elbows off the table!”. Sorry grandma but no can do.

I’m having a rough time overall with being in the chair. Sisyphus is what comes to mind, hence the image above. I just can’t believe how much harder it is to do pretty much anything when you are in this stupid chair. Some of it is my lack of strength or endurance, some of it is just because it’s new and I haven’t mastered the techniques, and it should get somewhat easier as time goes by. I know all this intellectually. However no matter how much easier it gets it will still suck compared to life before, and that’s what I’m struggling with currently. This is a level of constant, everyday difficulty that I’m having a hard time getting ok with, since I don’t really have an alternative. This isn’t like a new sport or hobby that I can say “naw, that was too hard, I’ll try something else”. There is no “something else”, this is how it’s going to be. Yes it will get easier but it will never be as it was, and I guess maybe I’m starting to really “mourn the loss” of living able-bodied like they told me I would.

Here’s the thing. I know I can figure it out, I know a lot of other people do it and from what I’ve seen if they can do it I can too. That’s not the issue, the “can I do it” part. The issue is do I want to do it. Now no, I ain’t all suicidal just yet so everyone can take a breath. But for this to work I need to want to do this, and to be honest right now that part just isn’t there. I’m not excited to be here, not excited to be up and in a chair, especially not excited at the fact that I need to start doing my own bowel management (I’ll leave that visual up to you, Google it if you are confused). I’m not sure what I need to do to get ok with all this, now that it’s really up and in my face. It was a lot easier to have a good attitude when I was in bed and being taken care of and the realities were off in the distance. Now they are up and in my face and scaring me a bit knowing that there is no option 2.

So today is struggle day, as will be tomorrow, and the next. The struggles will hopefully lessen, the difficulties diminish and my adjustment will hopefully continue for the better. I need to get my head right, I’ll keep you posted…

Take care everyone and thanlk you very much for all your support.