My very good friend Ethan Nagel asked me that the other day. For those who don't know him, Ethan is one of the smartest guys I know, and gifted with a keen ability to read people very quickly and zoom in on what is going on behind the scenes. He's also very good a pulling nuggets of wisdom out of his ass, such as the little bit I've used as the title for this entry.
I've been lucky to have people like Ethan in my life for a while now, as well as many others, and have also been smart enough (some times accidentally so)to actually let them know who I am, even the deep down parts that you normally don't always let show. This combination of Ethan's insightfulness and my willingness to let my guard down to friends like Ethan, Shahin and others is what is keeping me sane right now as I struggle with the mental and emotional issues that have tagged along for the ride. It's much harder than I ever thought it would be.
It's not my nature to be 'weak', to ask for or even allow others to help me. I've always been the strong one that others turn to. That all vanished when I woke up in the ICU and realized I would need to rely on a whole bunch of folks for almost everything for an indeterminate amount of time. It's not that I don't want to do things but due to my current situation, being stuck in bed I just can't, and it drives me nuts.
Now just after getting back from my recent hospital stay my mental state was a bit shaky and I was really having a hard time with all of this. A long phone call with Shahin got me stabilized a bit, and then a similar chat with Ethan, where he asked me that simple question, "are you strong enough to be weak for a while?". Of course by 'weak' what he meant was am I able to allow others to do for me until I can do for myself, and I have to say it is a very hard thing to do. But I am doing it, hating every minute but doing it.
Getting my strength back finally from the septic attack thing, started back to lifting the 10 lb dumbells, they got a lot heavier while I was gone it seems... ;-)
Have fun...
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I personally think that you are the strongest person that I know. you might not be able to see that because comparing yourself to someone else is difficult, not being able to see yourself from the outside in...
ReplyDeleteI knew within the first few minutes of meeting your friends why you were so close, good people.
your focus for recovery is parralled by your realism, with a good mixture of selfishness, which is what it will take to get right. your roll of helping others is just temporarily on hold, even though your probably helping others right now and don't even know it.
Eddy
Howdy Mr. Arnold,
ReplyDeleteJust a line to let you know we are thinking about you down south. I've been itchin to get out to Gilroy for some garlic frys...and to check in on you, I guess :) ...but they don't let me come that far west anymore.
A couple of your old buddies from EE came down to Texas this week. They asked me to pass along their best wishes...from pretty much everybody in Eastern Europe.
I'm gonna get out there soon. Looking forward to seeing you.
-rob
You are definitely the strongest person I know. I know you hate having to rely on others but maybe it's the good karma flowing back to you after helping so many others including me over the years.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Marcy