I've made my choice. I learned many years ago that if you don’t like what you have you change it. I’ve struggled with that over these last few weeks because I do not like what I have but can only modify it, cannot truly change it. So I will make the choice to make a real change.
The choices we make in our lives define us. How we react to the vicissitudes of life, the ups and downs, how we choose to deal with them or if we choose to do nothing and passively accept them defines us and demonstrates the content of our character. I’ve always felt that inaction in the face of an unacceptable situation is in itself unacceptable. Well this is an unacceptable situation to me, and so I will take that action that I see best fits my core values and beliefs, within the limited set of options this situation allows. I firmly believe in the unity of mind, body and spirit, the need for all 3 to be equally strong. That is not the case, while my mind is still intact and strong my body is permanently broken and my spirit unable to recover, clinging to my broken body like a faithful dog to his dead master, unable to move on.
While I have learned a great deal in the last 6 months about being open and receptive to help, and have been overwhelmed at the level of help offered, I cannot accept this as a permanent situation, and the constraints of this situation dictate that I will be far more dependent on others for the rest of my life. As well my inability to do those things I hold most dear is also an unacceptable situation.
I’ve been very lucky to have lived several lives within my life. Transformation and re-invention have been constant themes in my life, even when I didn’t want them to be, and many of my role models have lived their lives in a similar fashion. One of the frustrations with this situation is my inability to complete the transformation from my former independent, able-bodied self to a much more dependent disabled self. But I’m 47 years old, have been very lucky to have experienced things beyond my imagining, met and been friends with some very extraordinary people, loved and been loved, and all in all, it’s been a good life. I have many memories but no regrets.
Many of the issues I’ve already put forth in the last blog entry, on top of those the new issue of a pressure sore pushed me over the top. I cannot imagine living a working life when at any time you may be derailed for weeks by a pressure sore, bladder infection or something else that we were told are a fact of life for the wheel chair bound. This is no way to live a life. I do not know or understand how others choose to continue this way, but for me the choice is clear. In many ways life means so much to me that I will not settle for anything less. I will not accept so constrained a life as a substitute for what I had before.
I am truly sorry for the grief this situation has caused to my friends and family over the last few months, and the grief this last act will cause, but over time that will fade, hearts will heal, and I will hopefully be a fond memory to my friends and family, but no longer a burden in any way, to your or myself.
I am truly grateful for the effort that everyone has put forth on my behalf; know that there is nothing more anyone could have done. There is nothing anyone could have done to keep me from this path; those of you who know me best know that once I make up my mind to do something that’s it.
It has been said that “what we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal”. Hopefully through my actions I will live on in your memories and hearts.
So I will make my last choice, not out of desperation or in response to a temporary situation, or in a belief that life is not worth living, but because I will not accept so constrained a life as a substitute for what I had before. This is not a decision I am taking lightly, not knowing what lays beyond is disconcerting and worrisome, but not so much as the very real fear of living out my days in this condition, in this pain. I died on April 26, 2009, and now I will finish what has taken too long to come to a conclusion.
Eric Arnold
“…for life’s not a paragraph
and death i think is no parenthesis”
e. e. cummings
It is with a mourning and saddened heart that I post this last blog entry for my brother Eric. I think the words of Dave Moss in his comment (http://bit.ly/3KVWH2) on the "To be or not to be" post articulate how I feel better than any words I have been able to put to it. Eric we miss you and although life is starting to fall back into it's crazy pace, there is a dullness about it... this world was simply not ready for you to leave it.
ReplyDeleteEric your mastery of words helps soften the blow but also reminds me why I will mis you so....
ReplyDelete...till we race again bro
Shahin, you are correct. There is a certain dullness - a lack of vibrancy in the world now. I no longer see the sun as shining as brightly and no longer have such a spring in my step.
ReplyDeleteEric, as today is my birthday, my wish for you since your friends and family can't have you back is that wherever you are you have found peace and are as Dave articulated so well, "fully restored" - racing, teaching others, making spreadsheets, learning new languages, trying new things - if that's possible beyond this realm.
Eric, I miss you terribly. I miss the passion, intelligence and kindness that you brought to this world. At the same time, in between the waves of grief and the void that is left, I have found that I am kinder to strangers, more inclined to extricate myself from an unacceptable situation and have been profoundly changed by your life, experience and death in ways that I do not yet know. Thank you for the opportunity to be your friend.
Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
ReplyDelete--Bernadette Devlin
Eric, you are missed deeply!
Shahin, thanks for the post.
~Supriya
Shahin, thank you for the final entry for your brother Eric. As you said Dave Moss's entry says it all. I have read it so many times I think I know most of it by heart.
ReplyDeleteI will be forever thankful to Eric's many friends that gave so much of themselve since the accident. Shahin and Michelle, Stacy and Ethan, Eddie and Cheryl, Susan and Justin and Colby just to name a few. God bless you all.
Eric, I will forever miss the "hey mom what's up'
when I called you. I will miss the lively debates we used to have just about anything. I will miss you reminiscing with your brother and sister about your childhood and teen years. I will miss you in a thousand ways.
Peace, love and serenity my son. You are free now, no more pain. We loved you very much.
Mom
I also agree with Shahin, even though life has been going on, there is a dullness and sadness that has not stopped. I try take some comfort in knowing we will see him again.
ReplyDeleteI will always miss him, and will be forever grateful for his friendship, wisdom, and how he helped shape my life.
He did what he felt he needed to, he broke the chains that bind.
Thanks for posting the blog Shahin.
Much love, Johnny
Shahin, thank you so much for posting the letter. Life will never be the same, it will go on, but never be the same without Eric. He was one of the most loving, intelligent, compassionate, giving, caring, (list can go on and on) persons I’ve been fortunate enough to meet. I know he is watching over all of us. I miss him so much, words can’t explain. I miss seeing him in his garage always looking for something to fix or make. I’d invite him to the movies and he would say, “I have a great motorcycle movie” (one of hundreds), I would laugh and tell him that was the reason he did not have a date. I miss his laugh. I am sure we will meet again.
ReplyDeleteI’ve been fortunate enough to have met your wife Michelle, Stacey, Ethan, Cheryl, and Eddy. I now understand why he loved you all so much. Thanks for all the love and support you gave him.