I've made my choice. I learned many years ago that if you don’t like what you have you change it. I’ve struggled with that over these last few weeks because I do not like what I have but can only modify it, cannot truly change it. So I will make the choice to make a real change.
The choices we make in our lives define us. How we react to the vicissitudes of life, the ups and downs, how we choose to deal with them or if we choose to do nothing and passively accept them defines us and demonstrates the content of our character. I’ve always felt that inaction in the face of an unacceptable situation is in itself unacceptable. Well this is an unacceptable situation to me, and so I will take that action that I see best fits my core values and beliefs, within the limited set of options this situation allows. I firmly believe in the unity of mind, body and spirit, the need for all 3 to be equally strong. That is not the case, while my mind is still intact and strong my body is permanently broken and my spirit unable to recover, clinging to my broken body like a faithful dog to his dead master, unable to move on.
While I have learned a great deal in the last 6 months about being open and receptive to help, and have been overwhelmed at the level of help offered, I cannot accept this as a permanent situation, and the constraints of this situation dictate that I will be far more dependent on others for the rest of my life. As well my inability to do those things I hold most dear is also an unacceptable situation.
I’ve been very lucky to have lived several lives within my life. Transformation and re-invention have been constant themes in my life, even when I didn’t want them to be, and many of my role models have lived their lives in a similar fashion. One of the frustrations with this situation is my inability to complete the transformation from my former independent, able-bodied self to a much more dependent disabled self. But I’m 47 years old, have been very lucky to have experienced things beyond my imagining, met and been friends with some very extraordinary people, loved and been loved, and all in all, it’s been a good life. I have many memories but no regrets.
Many of the issues I’ve already put forth in the last blog entry, on top of those the new issue of a pressure sore pushed me over the top. I cannot imagine living a working life when at any time you may be derailed for weeks by a pressure sore, bladder infection or something else that we were told are a fact of life for the wheel chair bound. This is no way to live a life. I do not know or understand how others choose to continue this way, but for me the choice is clear. In many ways life means so much to me that I will not settle for anything less. I will not accept so constrained a life as a substitute for what I had before.
I am truly sorry for the grief this situation has caused to my friends and family over the last few months, and the grief this last act will cause, but over time that will fade, hearts will heal, and I will hopefully be a fond memory to my friends and family, but no longer a burden in any way, to your or myself.
I am truly grateful for the effort that everyone has put forth on my behalf; know that there is nothing more anyone could have done. There is nothing anyone could have done to keep me from this path; those of you who know me best know that once I make up my mind to do something that’s it.
It has been said that “what we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal”. Hopefully through my actions I will live on in your memories and hearts.
So I will make my last choice, not out of desperation or in response to a temporary situation, or in a belief that life is not worth living, but because I will not accept so constrained a life as a substitute for what I had before. This is not a decision I am taking lightly, not knowing what lays beyond is disconcerting and worrisome, but not so much as the very real fear of living out my days in this condition, in this pain. I died on April 26, 2009, and now I will finish what has taken too long to come to a conclusion.
Eric Arnold
“…for life’s not a paragraph
and death i think is no parenthesis”
e. e. cummings
